Marriage /'marɪdʒ/
Noun or verb; depending on how you view it.
From the perspective of the typical Nigerian mother :- Solution to all problems of a single Nigerian female. Problems which include, and are not limited to, paying bills, dealing with workmen, barrenness, poor appetite, weeping all night because of loneliness.
P.S. Most of the above problems happen to be from the overactive imaginations of worried mamas.
From the perspective of the young married woman:- Having a fully grown male as both your lover and your first born child.
Spinster /'spɪnstə/
Adjective.
A state a lot of women powerfully reject for their daughters, even those who are still in the cradle.
Pain /peɪn/
Adjective most definitely.
Sensation felt after throwing a French fry straight from hot oil into the mouth.
In today's culture of consumerism, success is measured in terms of what you have, against what you do not have but may have soon, and what you do not have and may never have.
To be seen as a successful family, you must:-
- Have organised, at least, one owanbeish party
- Live in a highbrow area of town
- You and your spouse must each have, at least, a car (not moto)
- Have wardrobes filled with designer clothes and accessories
- Be able to afford having your children in very expensive schools (even if they learn next to nothing)
- Maintain household staff.
But the question is, can we no longer measure success in terms of contentment and happiness?
We have become a set of people who now reach for things way beyond us. Not because we need them, but because we want to be part of the 'It' set.
Our family values have been damaged and somewhat forgotten in the rat race, trying to keep up with societal expectations. Children recognise their parents but do not know them. Parents are aware that their DNAs are in their children but, apart from knowing for sure that they named their kids, there is a disconnect between the children and their parents. We are slowly, but surely killing ourselves with work to be able to afford luxuries we cannot enjoy.
Somehow, we have forgotten that life is not like what is depicted in glamour magazines. Rather it is a continual struggle to make our lives and the lives of those around us better, not necessarily materially. And in seeking what we cannot afford, we neglect those who we are supposed to love and care for. Every family cannot be the same. We are all different and unique, and our uniqueness is necessary to spice up the drabness of our lives.
Unfortunately, we are now a Stepford community.
P.S. Say a prayer for the Orekoya children who were kidnapped on 8th April, 2015. We can only hope that they are safe.
A talk given by Kofoworola Adeoye-Famosa (RN, RPd. N), on 18th March, 2015, at St. James’ Catholic Church, Sabo-Oke, Ilorin.
It is generally an assumption that the word ‘sexuality’ denotes sexual intercourse. However, even though sexual intercourse is a part of sexuality, it is not the complete definition of sexuality. To understand the topic better, it is essential to understand how a child develops sexually (physically).
Experts claim that male foetuses (babies still in the womb) experience erections of the penis. This phenomenon has been noticed during ultrasound scans of pregnant women. Female babies also have vaginal lubrication. These may not be related to sexual stimulation. Once a baby finds his/her fingers and toes, the genitals will definitely be found, and the baby seems to experience a pleasurable sensation from touch, which may not be seen as a sexual experience.
As toddlers, children get to know their gender, when they are taught by their parents, and through play, start realizing the genital difference between males and females.
Due to production of hormones, physical changes begin to manifest, starting with the girl child. The first change noticed is the development of breast buds, usually between the ages of eight and thirteen years. What follows after is the growth of public hair, and then commencement of menstruation. During this period, there is a rapid increase in height and weight, with body fat being distributed to the breasts and hips. For the boys, the first change is the thinning of the scrotum, so as to accommodate the testicles which are growing in size. As the penis grows, the larynx (voice box) changes, which affects the voice. As the growth is still on going, the voice sometimes maintains its childish tone, and may suddenly change to a deeper timbre. Wet dreams or seminal emissions also occur, and there is a rapid increase in height, after the females.
It is important for parents to know these changes and be able to discuss issues regarding them, and sexuality with their children, so that they are not misguided by their friends and the media.
So the question. What is sexuality?
The truth of the matter is, sexuality is difficult to define, because it is something that is highly personal, and each individual develops and expresses it based on his or her experience in life. A lot of dictionaries however define it as the quality or state of being sexual. Being sexual is not an end product of marriage and regular sexual intercourse. We are all sexual beings because we have desires for:-
- Love
- Affection
- Acceptance of self
- Acceptance of self by others
- The development of a loving relationship
- Sexual gratification.
Each of the above desires apparently leads to the other, i.e without love, there is no affection and without affection, an individual can find it difficult to accept his/herself for who he/she is. The implication is, once a step is missed, it could be disastrous either sooner or later.
Sexuality can be divided into the following categories:-
- Body parts: This has to do with the physical characteristics of the person, whether male or female, as this forms a basis of how you will be viewed in the society.
- Gender identity: Children learn early the distinctions between a male and a female, and identity themselves based on their physical characteristics.
- Gender role in the society:- Based on the identity of an individual, there are certain roles which are for men e.g. being a breadwinner/head of the family, and for women e.g. home makers.
- Sexual orientation
- Body image:- This is based on how we view our physical selves, and our acceptance of who we are.
- Sexual experiences, thoughts, ideas and fantasies.
All these are however affected by how the media, family, friends, religion, age group portray sexuality, our life goals and self esteem, and by how we experience intimacy, touch, love, compassion, joy and sorrow. Therefore, sexuality is a part of our inner selves, and is expressed in the way we speak, smile, stand, sit, dress, dance, laugh and cry; making it an integral part of who we are, what we believe, what we feel, and how we respond to others.
Every individual will, one day, have to make decision or changes with regard to their emotional, sexual and reproductive health. But the unfortunate thing is a lot of people are not knowledgeable enough to make decision that will affect them positively. Therefore, there is a need for sexuality education.
Sexuality education is defined as a life long process of acquiring information, and forming attitudes, beliefs and values as regards sexual development, sexual and reproductive health, interpersonal relationships, affection, intimacy, body image and gender roles.
Unconsciously, children commence their sexual education from birth. How? Immediately after delivery, most midwives ask the mother to identify the baby’s gender i.e if the baby is male or female. Babies are also wrapped in the softest shawls, carried with care, and receive lots of love and care. Children also learn about love, touch, relationships, sexual behaviors, attitudes and values from their families. And as they grow, they learn from friends, television programmes, music, books, advertisements, the internet and youth programmes in schools or religious places of worship.
The goal of a well planned school based sexuality education programme is to help young people build a foundation as they mature into sexually health adults, and are structured to complement and augment education received at home, church, and from health care professionals, bearing in mind the values and beliefs of that community. So far, the Nigerian school curriculum does not include a comprehensive sexuality education package. Rather the focus is on pubertal changes, and reproduction. A lot of children grow up with huge defaults in their sexual lives as they grow older.
What does sexuality education achieve? These can be found in the goals of sexuality education, which include:-
- To provide accurate information about human sexuality.
- To provide an opportunity to develop and understand their values, attitudes and insights about sexuality.
- To help young people develop relationships and interpersonal skills.
- To help young people exercise responsibility regarding sexual relationships, which include addressing abstinence, pressures to become prematurely involved in sexual intercourse, and sexual health measures.
The planned out curriculum also provides age appropriate information, and includes scientifically accurate, curriculum based information about human development, and helps to encourage confidence and improved communication skills. Human rights issues and gender equality are also integrated; reflecting human rights protection, fulfillment and empowerment, impact of gender discrimination, sexual abuse, and gender-based violence and harmful practices e.g. female circumfusion.
A lot of parents may be worried about the negative effects of sexuality education. However, sexuality education DOES NOT lead to early sexual activity or risky sexual behavior, since education gives rise to empowerment and better decision making. In fact, addressing gender and power issues leads to better health outcomes in our society.
Thank you for listening.
